We apologise for the vandalism to our header picture, which appears to have been perpetrated by a Danish gentleman, who says the original picture is ugly.
Now we are pushing boldly forward with our plan to improve everything about this country! Little Mr Gove has announced his soon-to-be implemented measures will remove the right to life, the right to privacy, the right to a fair trial, the right to protest and the right to freedom from torture and discrimination. I do not wish to hear any tiresome namby-pamby objections. My government was fairly elected, apart from any as yet undetected cheating which we will deny, by an overwhelming landslide of 24% of the electorate. We can do anything we want to.
The Right to Life
Look, people die all the time, especially those we help with the benefits system, so it is obvious that there is no actual "right to life". To prove it, we will rapidly return the death penalty. Of course, we Conservative MPs are decent people who wouldn't hurt a fly, apart from about three hundred of us. The actual hangings, our preferred method, since we can't get away with using hounds, yet, will be carried out by a private firm. Probably Atos, or Group 4, or anyone who wants the job.
The Right to Privacy
Obviously, we need to know who you are, so we can round you up and hang you, so there will be no "right to privacy". GCHQ will be told by nice Mrs May to listen to all phone calls, apart from mine, of course. Your post will be slightly delayed while it is steamed open, and every room will have a security guard in it, recording everything that happens with a video camera.
No, you can not protest about this
The Right to a Fair Trial
Fair trials will continue to be available. The initial fee will be a million pounds, to prevent time wasting frivolous defences.
Now, be quiet
Or I will have you tortured. Don't think that I wouldn't. I'm still jolly cross about that ham vandalism of my nice picture.