The Dear Leader's Diary - Fit the fifth.

Now we get busy! I have appointed all my favourite chums to top jobs, so they can work hard at making things really nasty for anyone who won't cooperate with us. 

Iain Duncan Smith is a fine, compassionate Christian, like me. He has been tasked with reducing all the benefits the lazy scroungers have been stealing from the rich, into a single thing called Universal Credit. I'm sure he will bring these changes in well ahead of schedule, and considerably under budget. Those who say he has never managed anything successfully, apart from marrying into money and luxury, will have to think again! Come on, Iain, slash the vastly over-generous sums of money that the pathetic Liberal Democrats were forcing us to give to the idlers of Benefit Street. Some of them were actually eating, and heating their hovels at the same time, which is shockingly wasteful.

And the wonderfully fashionable Theresa May is to be our Home Secretary. In order to help the Police, she will reduce their numbers, so that surplus officers will not get in each other's way. She tells me that there are still things happening in our marvellous free country that GCHQ don't actually get to hear about. This obviously cannot be allowed to continue, and we will immediately pass lots of new laws to enable them to listen to absolutely everything everyone does. My friends and I, of course, will be excepted from that. Since there are still instances of communications that cannot be intercepted by GCHQ, little Mr Gove has suggested that everyone should be made to write down everything they say, and post it to them. I must say, that's unusually clever of him, and will be printing this out to send as soon as my drone has typed it into the computer thing for me.

I want to focus on a positive vision of the future, as you know. The recession the Labour Party deliberately caused did enormous harm to our friends, like Lehman Brothers and the banks, and it is up to us to repair what they did. Those who work hard, in spite of being underpaid, will get what they deserve - the chance to watch me drinking Champagne, and they had jolly well better appreciate that!