The Dear Leader's Diary - Portion the fourth.

Gosh, in all the excitement of getting rid of the Liberal Democrats, who were holding us back from realising our dreams for this wonderful nation, I realise I have failed to make sure you all know as much about me as you should.

I spent the first three years of my life in humble houses in Kensington and Chelsea before my family moved to an old rectory near Newbury, in Βerkshire. Ιn spite of being born with deformed legs, my father practically invented the idea of keeping ones' money safe in other countries, to stop it trickling down to the poor, who would only buy alcohol with it. When I was seven, my family sent me to a jolly nice prep school, so that I wouldn't become too emotionally attached to them.

And then, just like everyone else, I went to Eton. My  biggest mention in the Eton school magazine came when I sprained my ankle dancing to bagpipes, on a school trip to Rome. Well, I'm sure we've all been there. Anyone who says anything about cannabis at this point is going to make me a bit cross. Nobody has any evidence.

Then, Oxford invited me to join them. Naturally, as I had simply oodles of loot, like all the other students, I was invited to join the Bullingdon Club. Many people have failed to understand that this was a charitable organisation, where we would help the poor to understand the value of money by burning £50 notes in front of them when they were pretending to be homeless. I refuse to discuss whether I took drugs at Oxford. I may have had the occasional drink, but rarely more than five bottles of Champagne a day. This sensible approach ensured I was not brain damaged. I don't remember smashing up any restaurants.

As so often happens, an anonymous person at Buckingham Palace advised the Conservative Party that I was "a truly remarkable young man", and now I have shown everyone that anyone at all can be a success. Why more of our young people, "hoodies" as they are called, don't simply do as I have done is a mystery to me. 

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 3

Now that George and I have repaired all the disastrous damage Labour did to the country, and reduced the National Debt from their shocking £800 billion to a rather more manageable £1.5 trillion, it's time for our new watch-word, "renewal".

It will be our task to renew a sense of fairness in our society - where those who work hard and do the right thing are able to get on.

And there is work to complete as well! My lovely friend Iain Duncan Smith will be helping everyone to understand that any more than £7 a day to live on is just impossibly luxurious for them. He manages it, so they will just have to get used to it.

Here he is, explaining some rather technical point about how much money a peasant needs, in order to enjoy a life of luxury. He says all they will need to do is work a 30 hour day for 20p an hour, and they will be able to avoid the death camps he intends to set up. Who says we don't have the well-being of the unnecessary population at the heart of our policies?

Now, it must be made totally clear. He is not a liar. Some shockingly lazy people asked him if there had been an enquiry into the deaths of a few of the less necessary proles, and he quite rightly told them, there had not been an enquiry. That settled that. There were, of course, over forty individual enquiries, each of them for a single pleb, but that's completely different. And it shows how much we care for every single unit of population, I think.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 2

Righto! I've got my sleeves rolled up, and my photographer is ready, so I think I'll make a jolly old start on some legislation. 24% of the voters have made their unanimous demands, that I simply must fulfil. 

That absurd human rights nonsense, forced on us by the evil dictators of Europe, simply has  to go. I mean, really! Look at this stuff!

• The right to life
• The right not to be tortured
• The right not to be a slave
• The right to a fair trial
• The right NOT to be punished if you haven’t broken the law
• The right to private family life
• The right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion
• The right to freedom of expression
• The right to marry and start a family
• The right to peaceful enjoyment of possessions
• The right to education
• The right to free elections
• The right NOT to be given the death penalty

Away with all that tosh! I'm pumped, and doesn't Sam know it!

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 1

I say, you chaps, what a jolly spiffing result! I would have written this sooner, but I celebrated with a rather nice case of the most expensive Champagne I could find, and was a little "tired and emotional" as a result.

My well deserved, nay, glorious victory was just what I deserved after my long campaign of going out into our lovely British towns, and meeting absolutely every voter in the country. Here I am, helping the citizens of Bath to understand my policies.

I was careful to explain the Long Term Economic plan that George and I had carefully discussed for ten minutes, five years ago. Many simply dreadful people have tried to claim that the plan doesn't even exist, which makes me jolly cross. Here it is.

Ah, sorry! I don't have a copy of it to hand, right now, but you know I am telling the truth, because I would never lie to you.

Toodle pip, more soon.

Dear Leaders Oral Examination

Somebody pointed out to me recently, and I am sorry I forget who it was, that Dear Leader David Cameron seems to have only two possible positions for his mouth. In our first picture, we see that the lovely, shiny face of our glorious leader appears to have almost no lips. This is an important move for any politician to learn. It is how the delightfully moisturised David stops people thinking he is lying again. He well knows the old saying that you can tell a politician is lying if you can see his lips moving, and attempts to appear to have no lips at all.



Meanwhile, here is a picture of Kim Jong Il, attempting the same thing, even though he had already convinced the population of North Korea that he always spoke the truth. He achieved this by having anyone that thought otherwise killed. There are those, however, who believe this is actually his imitation of Frankie Howerd.

 This more recent model in the Kim Jong range has also not quite got it right, as the amount of tension around his mouth shows. In fact, he looks pretty angry. That left eye suggests he's about to have some people killed for whatever they just did. 

You might imagine that this makes him a nastier person than the Delicious Dave, but Dave's spending cuts have killed a lot of people too, although he is too modest to boast openly about it.



And that brings us round to the subject of the second in Dear Leader Dave's gamut of lip positions. I call it the Sex Doll Mouth, for reasons that are only too horribly obvious, if you have seen one of those inflatable ladies. Here's Kim Jong Un's attempt. It fails, because we can see far too many rather frightening teeth, and the lips are not sufficiently extended. Also, that frown! Has somebody else gone and annoyed him? Oh Dear! (See what I did?)

 The Sex Doll Mouth is a surprisingly common thing in photographs of politicians, it turns out. Ed Miliband is shown doing it here, although he may merely be observing the approach of a threatening looking bacon sandwich. That seems likely, in fact, as we can still see teeth.








But the Dear Leader with the most perfectly executed Sex Doll Mouth that I have seen, so far, has to be our very own Dearly Beloved Leader, Callmedave Cameron. To be fair, he's putting a lot of effort into this, as you can see from the frown, and the way his eyes point ever so slightly outwards. Notice also the cunning attempt to convince you he is honest, with those artfully displayed, undyed grey hairs in the imitation Harold Macmillan hairstyle.

It almost makes you want to shove something cylindrical in there, doesn't it?