Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Dear Leaders Oral Examination

Somebody pointed out to me recently, and I am sorry I forget who it was, that Dear Leader David Cameron seems to have only two possible positions for his mouth. In our first picture, we see that the lovely, shiny face of our glorious leader appears to have almost no lips. This is an important move for any politician to learn. It is how the delightfully moisturised David stops people thinking he is lying again. He well knows the old saying that you can tell a politician is lying if you can see his lips moving, and attempts to appear to have no lips at all.

Meanwhile, here is a picture of Kim Jong Il, attempting the same thing, even though he had already convinced the population of North Korea that he always spoke the truth. He achieved this by having anyone that thought otherwise killed. There are those, however, who believe this is actually his imitation of Frankie Howerd.

 This more recent model in the Kim Jong range has also not quite got it right, as the amount of tension around his mouth shows. In fact, he looks pretty angry. That left eye suggests he's about to have some people killed for whatever they just did. 

You might imagine that this makes him a nastier person than the Delicious Dave, but Dave's spending cuts have killed a lot of people too, although he is too modest to boast openly about it.

And that brings us round to the subject of the second in Dear Leader Dave's gamut of lip positions. I call it the Sex Doll Mouth, for reasons that are only too horribly obvious, if you have seen one of those inflatable ladies. Here's Kim Jong Un's attempt. It fails, because we can see far too many rather frightening teeth, and the lips are not sufficiently extended. Also, that frown! Has somebody else gone and annoyed him? Oh Dear! (See what I did?)

 The Sex Doll Mouth is a surprisingly common thing in photographs of politicians, it turns out. Ed Miliband is shown doing it here, although he may merely be observing the approach of a threatening looking bacon sandwich. That seems likely, in fact, as we can still see teeth.

But the Dear Leader with the most perfectly executed Sex Doll Mouth that I have seen, so far, has to be our very own Dearly Beloved Leader, Callmedave Cameron. To be fair, he's putting a lot of effort into this, as you can see from the frown, and the way his eyes point ever so slightly outwards. Notice also the cunning attempt to convince you he is honest, with those artfully displayed, undyed grey hairs in the imitation Harold Macmillan hairstyle.

It almost makes you want to shove something cylindrical in there, doesn't it?

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