The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 14

I have visited Nicola Sturgeon in Scotland, as a reward for destroying the Labour vote there. I am showing my commitment to a UK that includes Scotland, by promising them many new powers that will let them feel as if they

have achieved something. I have already vowed to promise to make a pledge to put something or other in the Queen's Speech about this. I can promise my own people that I will have anything we don't like removed from the internet as soon as we feel like it. Playing people off against each other for my own benefit shows what a superior statesman I am, and why I continue to be trusted.

Meanwhile, I have found a book labelled "Bastards" in a cupboard in one of the many kitchens at my house in Downing Street. I shall write the name of Mr

David Davis in it, as it appears he thinks he has the right to attack my decision to abolish Human Rights. Worse still, he is hinting that taking away peoples' rights and replacing them with vaguely worded promises, vows, and pledges is likely to prove divisive. By that, he probably means that he should have been leader, instead of me, so that he could unite our party. Unless he can split away a huge number of my MPs, as many as three or four, he will not be able to prevent us ramming any change we like through.

My friend Mr Kim Jong Un has recently had his defence minister shot with an anti-aircraft gun. Members of my party who are not feeling at least 100% faithful would do well to remember Britain probably still has a gun, too.