The Dear Leader's Secret Diary - 24

This seems as good a place as any for me to collect a few of the splendid jokes I have heard, ready for use by me, at those events where we keep the proles out, and don't have to be politically correct. Here's somebody called Sandi Toksvig OBE, a pleasant young lady who has started the totally unnecessary "Women's Equality Party", talking about my friend Nigel "the Führager" Farage...

‘I watched the count for South Thanet and I found myself cheering for the Tory candidate,’ she told the audience. ‘I hate Farage for that, I really do. He made me cheer a Tory, the bastard.’

She then went on to refer to the testicle the Ukip leader lost to cancer, joking about what Farage and Hitler have in common: ‘Farage kept having pictures of him defaced with Hitler moustaches. I mean he’s not really like Hitler. Okay, he has a German wife, he hates foreigners, he only has one testicle, and he was defeated.’

I practised this one on Sam, who seemed somewhat impressed. She seems to think jokes about cancer can not be funny, for some reason.

And then there's this photograph, which clearly demonstrates that Boris has no clue how to play that violin.