The Dear Leader's Diary - Lucky 13th episode

I am going to have to start using my active intolerance™ much sooner than I had expected,as it has emerged that some of my MPs think they can argue with me about my policies. Back benchers have been talking to something called the Belfast Telegraph, which I will not tolerate.

One Conservative backbencher said plans were “legally incoherent” and predicted Mr Cameron would face a Commons defeat if he attempted to make anything more than cosmetic changes to the current laws.
“If what emerges is a lot of sound and fury but no attempt to fiddle with fundamental rights as set down by the  Convention then what we have is the Human Rights Act in all but name and that will be fine,” they said.
“But if there is any fundamental attempt to move away from that position then it will be dead in the water. Any such proposals will be torn to shreds by people like Dominic Grieve and many others who actually understand how our constitution works.”

I am now going to have to find out which of my MPs have been talking to newspapers without permission, and undermining my entirely reasonable plans.

In the meantime, I have asked George to announce all sorts of proposals, in order to take attention away from the Human Rights Act, so I can get rid of it when nobody is looking. He came back from the bathroom grinning, and announced a bold plan to stop us needing to finance English cities, by making them responsible for local transport, housing, planning, policing and public health. These are all things they can feel proud they are managing for themselves, and we won't need to finance them any more.

It is certainly good to have George on the team, and not briefing against me to the press, like the sneaky back benchers, that I shall be sorting out soon.

The Dear Leader's Diary - 12

Now that my government is all powerful, and will do whatever we want, forever, I am an even more Dear Leader than Kim Jong Un, and have asked my web team to produce a suitably powerful new header for this Diary. You are instructed to like it at once, or there will be trouble.

Britain has been "passively tolerant" for far too long, and we should not leave people to live their lives as they please as long as they obey the law. That just isn't good enough. I am getting Mrs May to produce a list of measures that we will impose to teach you some respect. This will show those people who said we were a bunch of tin-pot fascists that they were wrong. 

In our glorious future, it will be an offence to hold minority "extremist" views that differ from Britain's consensus. You will be told which opinions are acceptable, and we will crack down on anyone who is considering beginning to think any of these thoughts. Laughing at me, my government, or any of our very good ideas will result in severe punishment.

Enough of that for now. I should not have had to tell you the correct things to think in the first place. See that you do not continue to wrong-think.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 11

The Dear Leader's Diary - Pert 11

My web team have managed to remove the vandalised picture that was annoying me, and I have asked them to put something in its place while we set up a new staged picture of me being very popular in a huge barn with a few trusted supporters.

Now, following our Cabinet meeting, we have had a few very clever ideas to make Britain Great again for hard working families, but not anyone else, obviously.

For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'As long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'. Well, that won't do, will it? We are going to become an actively intolerant society, and anyone who disagrees with me will be in serious trouble.

Further details will follow as soon as we have thought them up, and there will be no senseless delays to confer with focus groups, civil rights lawyers, or any of that namby pamby nonsense. 

The Dear Leader's Diary - Port 10

Note to web team: get rid of that ham or be sacked.

Now, it's obviously going to take George a day or two to come up with an updated version of the plan he says we have got. I've never actually seen it myself, but I'm pretty good at choosing people to be in government with me, and I always stand by them until it becomes necessary to get rid of them.

In the meantime, we have come up with some sensible proposals for enforcing free speech. As part of our war on terror, we propose "a ban on broadcasting and a requirement to submit to the police in advance any proposed publication on the web and social media or in print."[1] Obviously, that will not apply to this diary, as I am in charge, and democratic by definition. All Tweets will have to be vetted by the police, as we all know too many of them can make a Twatter. This may cause some slight delays, but we must make certain that the youth are not corrupted. I'm considering what punishments we should have for unapproved Tweets, and think something like having to volunteer to drink hemlock would be proportionate.

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[1] The Guardian. http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/may/13/counter-terrorism-bill-extremism-disruption-orders-david-cameron 

The Dear Leader's Diary - Part 9

I have instructed my team of internet experts to remove the vandalism from this picture, and they will be dealing with it as soon as they cease their unaccountable laughter. They said they would also look into its background, which hardly seems necessary.

Today, I conducted our first Cabinet meeting without the token Liberal Democrats I used to have to include. Pretending to have the slightest concern about anything they thought or said was never easy, and some of them were, I'm sorry to say, simply not in the same class as myself.

There's a jolly nice video of the start of the meeting on Twatter, where I managed to pad out the usual stuff about the workers for well over a minute, without making any real commitments. My natural modesty prevents me from getting the web team to copy it into this page, and I'm sure you will have seen it anyway.

It has come to my attention that there are over four million people in the country who have never worked. We will soon put in place measures to give these dreadful people an incentive to get out and work.

I'm grateful to Iain Duncan Smith for this statistic. It's very unfair, the way people criticise him for marrying into money, instead of inheriting it the proper way. Here's a rather nice picture of him and Charlie Chaplin on holiday together. 

Anyway. Everyone in my Cabinet agreed with me about how we need to get out of the awful Human Rights nonsense that has been forced on us, and introduce our own Invoice Bill of Rights as soon as possible. Here's our draft, so far...

Article 1 – Right to Life

Everyone shall have the right to life, unless their death is deemed necessary in the interests of national security, or if they cannot afford the relevant insurance to pay for hospital bills.

Article 6 – Right to a Fair Trial

Everyone shall have the right to a fair trial unless they cannot afford it or the Home Secretary should decide that such a trial is not necessary in the interests of national security

Article 8 – Right to a Private Life

Everyone shall have the right to respect for their private and family life, except if any intrusion in that private or family life is performed by the police, the security services, Google, Facebook or any other commercial enterprise as agreed with the Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.

Article 10 – Right to Freedom of Expression

Everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers, except if such information is deemed unsuitable, extreme, or otherwise inappropriate by the Home Secretary, the Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, Paul Dacre or the Taxpayers Alliance

Article 11 – Freedom of assembly and association

Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and to freedom of association with others, excluding the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests, and excluding any form of assembly or association that the Home Secretary should deem disorderly, embarrassing, annoying or otherwise objectionable.

Scope of these rights

These rights shall be accorded to all British Citizens, except those who the Home Secretary determines are undeserving of rights, or decides to strip citizenship from, or are determined by the media to be scroungers, immigrants or children of immigrants, internet trolls or persons otherwise objectionable in what the Prime Minister deems to be a democratic society.

More soon.