I have instructed my team of internet experts to remove the vandalism from this picture, and they will be dealing with it as soon as they cease their unaccountable laughter. They said they would also look into its background, which hardly seems necessary.
Today, I conducted our first Cabinet meeting without the token Liberal Democrats I used to have to include. Pretending to have the slightest concern about anything they thought or said was never easy, and some of them were, I'm sorry to say, simply not in the same class as myself.
There's a jolly nice video of the start of the meeting on Twatter, where I managed to pad out the usual stuff about the workers for well over a minute, without making any real commitments. My natural modesty prevents me from getting the web team to copy it into this page, and I'm sure you will have seen it anyway.
It has come to my attention that there are over four million people in the country who have never worked. We will soon put in place measures to give these dreadful people an incentive to get out and work.
I'm grateful to Iain Duncan Smith for this statistic. It's very unfair, the way people criticise him for marrying into money, instead of inheriting it the proper way. Here's a rather nice picture of him and Charlie Chaplin on holiday together.
Anyway. Everyone in my Cabinet agreed with me about how we need to get out of the awful Human Rights nonsense that has been forced on us, and introduce our own
Article 1 – Right to Life
Everyone shall have the right to life, unless their death is deemed necessary in the interests of national security, or if they cannot afford the relevant insurance to pay for hospital bills.
Article 6 – Right to a Fair Trial
Everyone shall have the right to a fair trial unless they cannot afford it or the Home Secretary should decide that such a trial is not necessary in the interests of national security
Article 8 – Right to a Private Life
Everyone shall have the right to respect for their private and family life, except if any intrusion in that private or family life is performed by the police, the security services, Google, Facebook or any other commercial enterprise as agreed with the Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.
Article 10 – Right to Freedom of Expression
Everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers, except if such information is deemed unsuitable, extreme, or otherwise inappropriate by the Home Secretary, the Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, Paul Dacre or the Taxpayers Alliance
Article 11 – Freedom of assembly and association
Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and to freedom of association with others, excluding the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests, and excluding any form of assembly or association that the Home Secretary should deem disorderly, embarrassing, annoying or otherwise objectionable.
Scope of these rights
These rights shall be accorded to all British Citizens, except those who the Home Secretary determines are undeserving of rights, or decides to strip citizenship from, or are determined by the media to be scroungers, immigrants or children of immigrants, internet trolls or persons otherwise objectionable in what the Prime Minister deems to be a democratic society.