The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 3

Now that George and I have repaired all the disastrous damage Labour did to the country, and reduced the National Debt from their shocking £800 billion to a rather more manageable £1.5 trillion, it's time for our new watch-word, "renewal".

It will be our task to renew a sense of fairness in our society - where those who work hard and do the right thing are able to get on.

And there is work to complete as well! My lovely friend Iain Duncan Smith will be helping everyone to understand that any more than £7 a day to live on is just impossibly luxurious for them. He manages it, so they will just have to get used to it.

Here he is, explaining some rather technical point about how much money a peasant needs, in order to enjoy a life of luxury. He says all they will need to do is work a 30 hour day for 20p an hour, and they will be able to avoid the death camps he intends to set up. Who says we don't have the well-being of the unnecessary population at the heart of our policies?

Now, it must be made totally clear. He is not a liar. Some shockingly lazy people asked him if there had been an enquiry into the deaths of a few of the less necessary proles, and he quite rightly told them, there had not been an enquiry. That settled that. There were, of course, over forty individual enquiries, each of them for a single pleb, but that's completely different. And it shows how much we care for every single unit of population, I think.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 2

Righto! I've got my sleeves rolled up, and my photographer is ready, so I think I'll make a jolly old start on some legislation. 24% of the voters have made their unanimous demands, that I simply must fulfil. 

That absurd human rights nonsense, forced on us by the evil dictators of Europe, simply has  to go. I mean, really! Look at this stuff!

• The right to life
• The right not to be tortured
• The right not to be a slave
• The right to a fair trial
• The right NOT to be punished if you haven’t broken the law
• The right to private family life
• The right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion
• The right to freedom of expression
• The right to marry and start a family
• The right to peaceful enjoyment of possessions
• The right to education
• The right to free elections
• The right NOT to be given the death penalty

Away with all that tosh! I'm pumped, and doesn't Sam know it!

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 1

I say, you chaps, what a jolly spiffing result! I would have written this sooner, but I celebrated with a rather nice case of the most expensive Champagne I could find, and was a little "tired and emotional" as a result.

My well deserved, nay, glorious victory was just what I deserved after my long campaign of going out into our lovely British towns, and meeting absolutely every voter in the country. Here I am, helping the citizens of Bath to understand my policies.

I was careful to explain the Long Term Economic plan that George and I had carefully discussed for ten minutes, five years ago. Many simply dreadful people have tried to claim that the plan doesn't even exist, which makes me jolly cross. Here it is.

Ah, sorry! I don't have a copy of it to hand, right now, but you know I am telling the truth, because I would never lie to you.

Toodle pip, more soon.

Dear Leaders Oral Examination

Somebody pointed out to me recently, and I am sorry I forget who it was, that Dear Leader David Cameron seems to have only two possible positions for his mouth. In our first picture, we see that the lovely, shiny face of our glorious leader appears to have almost no lips. This is an important move for any politician to learn. It is how the delightfully moisturised David stops people thinking he is lying again. He well knows the old saying that you can tell a politician is lying if you can see his lips moving, and attempts to appear to have no lips at all.



Meanwhile, here is a picture of Kim Jong Il, attempting the same thing, even though he had already convinced the population of North Korea that he always spoke the truth. He achieved this by having anyone that thought otherwise killed. There are those, however, who believe this is actually his imitation of Frankie Howerd.

 This more recent model in the Kim Jong range has also not quite got it right, as the amount of tension around his mouth shows. In fact, he looks pretty angry. That left eye suggests he's about to have some people killed for whatever they just did. 

You might imagine that this makes him a nastier person than the Delicious Dave, but Dave's spending cuts have killed a lot of people too, although he is too modest to boast openly about it.



And that brings us round to the subject of the second in Dear Leader Dave's gamut of lip positions. I call it the Sex Doll Mouth, for reasons that are only too horribly obvious, if you have seen one of those inflatable ladies. Here's Kim Jong Un's attempt. It fails, because we can see far too many rather frightening teeth, and the lips are not sufficiently extended. Also, that frown! Has somebody else gone and annoyed him? Oh Dear! (See what I did?)

 The Sex Doll Mouth is a surprisingly common thing in photographs of politicians, it turns out. Ed Miliband is shown doing it here, although he may merely be observing the approach of a threatening looking bacon sandwich. That seems likely, in fact, as we can still see teeth.








But the Dear Leader with the most perfectly executed Sex Doll Mouth that I have seen, so far, has to be our very own Dearly Beloved Leader, Callmedave Cameron. To be fair, he's putting a lot of effort into this, as you can see from the frown, and the way his eyes point ever so slightly outwards. Notice also the cunning attempt to convince you he is honest, with those artfully displayed, undyed grey hairs in the imitation Harold Macmillan hairstyle.

It almost makes you want to shove something cylindrical in there, doesn't it?

The Dear Leader Hairstyle

North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un, has recently amazed the world with his wonderful new hair style. There is probably nothing one can do to one's appearance that is more effective in showing everyone that you really, really, really don't care at all what people think you about you, than to have a completely insane-looking hairstyle of your own invention.

Now, which other Dear Leader can you think of who would benefit from this sartorial inspiration? You guessed what I was going to do, didn't you? With his popularity waning in spite of his five or six photo-opportunities a day, Our own soon-to-be-dumped Dear Leader, David Cameron should perhaps try this. 

If nothing else, it will take attention away from the curious gestures he seems unable to stop making. I believe this one is called "Jazz Hands". The hair style would also make people think he was a dictator who it would be dangerous to try to remove. Please, when you see his posts on Google+, feel free to suggest this to him.