The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 14

I have visited Nicola Sturgeon in Scotland, as a reward for destroying the Labour vote there. I am showing my commitment to a UK that includes Scotland, by promising them many new powers that will let them feel as if they

have achieved something. I have already vowed to promise to make a pledge to put something or other in the Queen's Speech about this. I can promise my own people that I will have anything we don't like removed from the internet as soon as we feel like it. Playing people off against each other for my own benefit shows what a superior statesman I am, and why I continue to be trusted.

Meanwhile, I have found a book labelled "Bastards" in a cupboard in one of the many kitchens at my house in Downing Street. I shall write the name of Mr

David Davis in it, as it appears he thinks he has the right to attack my decision to abolish Human Rights. Worse still, he is hinting that taking away peoples' rights and replacing them with vaguely worded promises, vows, and pledges is likely to prove divisive. By that, he probably means that he should have been leader, instead of me, so that he could unite our party. Unless he can split away a huge number of my MPs, as many as three or four, he will not be able to prevent us ramming any change we like through.

My friend Mr Kim Jong Un has recently had his defence minister shot with an anti-aircraft gun. Members of my party who are not feeling at least 100% faithful would do well to remember Britain probably still has a gun, too.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Lucky 13th episode

I am going to have to start using my active intolerance™ much sooner than I had expected,as it has emerged that some of my MPs think they can argue with me about my policies. Back benchers have been talking to something called the Belfast Telegraph, which I will not tolerate.

One Conservative backbencher said plans were “legally incoherent” and predicted Mr Cameron would face a Commons defeat if he attempted to make anything more than cosmetic changes to the current laws.
“If what emerges is a lot of sound and fury but no attempt to fiddle with fundamental rights as set down by the  Convention then what we have is the Human Rights Act in all but name and that will be fine,” they said.
“But if there is any fundamental attempt to move away from that position then it will be dead in the water. Any such proposals will be torn to shreds by people like Dominic Grieve and many others who actually understand how our constitution works.”

I am now going to have to find out which of my MPs have been talking to newspapers without permission, and undermining my entirely reasonable plans.

In the meantime, I have asked George to announce all sorts of proposals, in order to take attention away from the Human Rights Act, so I can get rid of it when nobody is looking. He came back from the bathroom grinning, and announced a bold plan to stop us needing to finance English cities, by making them responsible for local transport, housing, planning, policing and public health. These are all things they can feel proud they are managing for themselves, and we won't need to finance them any more.

It is certainly good to have George on the team, and not briefing against me to the press, like the sneaky back benchers, that I shall be sorting out soon.

The Dear Leader's Diary - 12

Now that my government is all powerful, and will do whatever we want, forever, I am an even more Dear Leader than Kim Jong Un, and have asked my web team to produce a suitably powerful new header for this Diary. You are instructed to like it at once, or there will be trouble.

Britain has been "passively tolerant" for far too long, and we should not leave people to live their lives as they please as long as they obey the law. That just isn't good enough. I am getting Mrs May to produce a list of measures that we will impose to teach you some respect. This will show those people who said we were a bunch of tin-pot fascists that they were wrong. 

In our glorious future, it will be an offence to hold minority "extremist" views that differ from Britain's consensus. You will be told which opinions are acceptable, and we will crack down on anyone who is considering beginning to think any of these thoughts. Laughing at me, my government, or any of our very good ideas will result in severe punishment.

Enough of that for now. I should not have had to tell you the correct things to think in the first place. See that you do not continue to wrong-think.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 11

The Dear Leader's Diary - Pert 11

My web team have managed to remove the vandalised picture that was annoying me, and I have asked them to put something in its place while we set up a new staged picture of me being very popular in a huge barn with a few trusted supporters.

Now, following our Cabinet meeting, we have had a few very clever ideas to make Britain Great again for hard working families, but not anyone else, obviously.

For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'As long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'. Well, that won't do, will it? We are going to become an actively intolerant society, and anyone who disagrees with me will be in serious trouble.

Further details will follow as soon as we have thought them up, and there will be no senseless delays to confer with focus groups, civil rights lawyers, or any of that namby pamby nonsense. 

The Dear Leader's Diary - Port 10

Note to web team: get rid of that ham or be sacked.

Now, it's obviously going to take George a day or two to come up with an updated version of the plan he says we have got. I've never actually seen it myself, but I'm pretty good at choosing people to be in government with me, and I always stand by them until it becomes necessary to get rid of them.

In the meantime, we have come up with some sensible proposals for enforcing free speech. As part of our war on terror, we propose "a ban on broadcasting and a requirement to submit to the police in advance any proposed publication on the web and social media or in print."[1] Obviously, that will not apply to this diary, as I am in charge, and democratic by definition. All Tweets will have to be vetted by the police, as we all know too many of them can make a Twatter. This may cause some slight delays, but we must make certain that the youth are not corrupted. I'm considering what punishments we should have for unapproved Tweets, and think something like having to volunteer to drink hemlock would be proportionate.

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[1] The Guardian. http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/may/13/counter-terrorism-bill-extremism-disruption-orders-david-cameron