The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 3

Now that George and I have repaired all the disastrous damage Labour did to the country, and reduced the National Debt from their shocking £800 billion to a rather more manageable £1.5 trillion, it's time for our new watch-word, "renewal".

It will be our task to renew a sense of fairness in our society - where those who work hard and do the right thing are able to get on.

And there is work to complete as well! My lovely friend Iain Duncan Smith will be helping everyone to understand that any more than £7 a day to live on is just impossibly luxurious for them. He manages it, so they will just have to get used to it.

Here he is, explaining some rather technical point about how much money a peasant needs, in order to enjoy a life of luxury. He says all they will need to do is work a 30 hour day for 20p an hour, and they will be able to avoid the death camps he intends to set up. Who says we don't have the well-being of the unnecessary population at the heart of our policies?

Now, it must be made totally clear. He is not a liar. Some shockingly lazy people asked him if there had been an enquiry into the deaths of a few of the less necessary proles, and he quite rightly told them, there had not been an enquiry. That settled that. There were, of course, over forty individual enquiries, each of them for a single pleb, but that's completely different. And it shows how much we care for every single unit of population, I think.