The Dear Leader's Diary - Fit the fifth.

Now we get busy! I have appointed all my favourite chums to top jobs, so they can work hard at making things really nasty for anyone who won't cooperate with us. 

Iain Duncan Smith is a fine, compassionate Christian, like me. He has been tasked with reducing all the benefits the lazy scroungers have been stealing from the rich, into a single thing called Universal Credit. I'm sure he will bring these changes in well ahead of schedule, and considerably under budget. Those who say he has never managed anything successfully, apart from marrying into money and luxury, will have to think again! Come on, Iain, slash the vastly over-generous sums of money that the pathetic Liberal Democrats were forcing us to give to the idlers of Benefit Street. Some of them were actually eating, and heating their hovels at the same time, which is shockingly wasteful.

And the wonderfully fashionable Theresa May is to be our Home Secretary. In order to help the Police, she will reduce their numbers, so that surplus officers will not get in each other's way. She tells me that there are still things happening in our marvellous free country that GCHQ don't actually get to hear about. This obviously cannot be allowed to continue, and we will immediately pass lots of new laws to enable them to listen to absolutely everything everyone does. My friends and I, of course, will be excepted from that. Since there are still instances of communications that cannot be intercepted by GCHQ, little Mr Gove has suggested that everyone should be made to write down everything they say, and post it to them. I must say, that's unusually clever of him, and will be printing this out to send as soon as my drone has typed it into the computer thing for me.

I want to focus on a positive vision of the future, as you know. The recession the Labour Party deliberately caused did enormous harm to our friends, like Lehman Brothers and the banks, and it is up to us to repair what they did. Those who work hard, in spite of being underpaid, will get what they deserve - the chance to watch me drinking Champagne, and they had jolly well better appreciate that!

The Dear Leader's Diary - Portion the fourth.

Gosh, in all the excitement of getting rid of the Liberal Democrats, who were holding us back from realising our dreams for this wonderful nation, I realise I have failed to make sure you all know as much about me as you should.

I spent the first three years of my life in humble houses in Kensington and Chelsea before my family moved to an old rectory near Newbury, in Βerkshire. Ιn spite of being born with deformed legs, my father practically invented the idea of keeping ones' money safe in other countries, to stop it trickling down to the poor, who would only buy alcohol with it. When I was seven, my family sent me to a jolly nice prep school, so that I wouldn't become too emotionally attached to them.

And then, just like everyone else, I went to Eton. My  biggest mention in the Eton school magazine came when I sprained my ankle dancing to bagpipes, on a school trip to Rome. Well, I'm sure we've all been there. Anyone who says anything about cannabis at this point is going to make me a bit cross. Nobody has any evidence.

Then, Oxford invited me to join them. Naturally, as I had simply oodles of loot, like all the other students, I was invited to join the Bullingdon Club. Many people have failed to understand that this was a charitable organisation, where we would help the poor to understand the value of money by burning £50 notes in front of them when they were pretending to be homeless. I refuse to discuss whether I took drugs at Oxford. I may have had the occasional drink, but rarely more than five bottles of Champagne a day. This sensible approach ensured I was not brain damaged. I don't remember smashing up any restaurants.

As so often happens, an anonymous person at Buckingham Palace advised the Conservative Party that I was "a truly remarkable young man", and now I have shown everyone that anyone at all can be a success. Why more of our young people, "hoodies" as they are called, don't simply do as I have done is a mystery to me. 

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 3

Now that George and I have repaired all the disastrous damage Labour did to the country, and reduced the National Debt from their shocking £800 billion to a rather more manageable £1.5 trillion, it's time for our new watch-word, "renewal".

It will be our task to renew a sense of fairness in our society - where those who work hard and do the right thing are able to get on.

And there is work to complete as well! My lovely friend Iain Duncan Smith will be helping everyone to understand that any more than £7 a day to live on is just impossibly luxurious for them. He manages it, so they will just have to get used to it.

Here he is, explaining some rather technical point about how much money a peasant needs, in order to enjoy a life of luxury. He says all they will need to do is work a 30 hour day for 20p an hour, and they will be able to avoid the death camps he intends to set up. Who says we don't have the well-being of the unnecessary population at the heart of our policies?

Now, it must be made totally clear. He is not a liar. Some shockingly lazy people asked him if there had been an enquiry into the deaths of a few of the less necessary proles, and he quite rightly told them, there had not been an enquiry. That settled that. There were, of course, over forty individual enquiries, each of them for a single pleb, but that's completely different. And it shows how much we care for every single unit of population, I think.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 2

Righto! I've got my sleeves rolled up, and my photographer is ready, so I think I'll make a jolly old start on some legislation. 24% of the voters have made their unanimous demands, that I simply must fulfil. 

That absurd human rights nonsense, forced on us by the evil dictators of Europe, simply has  to go. I mean, really! Look at this stuff!

• The right to life
• The right not to be tortured
• The right not to be a slave
• The right to a fair trial
• The right NOT to be punished if you haven’t broken the law
• The right to private family life
• The right to freedom of thought, conscience, and religion
• The right to freedom of expression
• The right to marry and start a family
• The right to peaceful enjoyment of possessions
• The right to education
• The right to free elections
• The right NOT to be given the death penalty

Away with all that tosh! I'm pumped, and doesn't Sam know it!

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 1

I say, you chaps, what a jolly spiffing result! I would have written this sooner, but I celebrated with a rather nice case of the most expensive Champagne I could find, and was a little "tired and emotional" as a result.

My well deserved, nay, glorious victory was just what I deserved after my long campaign of going out into our lovely British towns, and meeting absolutely every voter in the country. Here I am, helping the citizens of Bath to understand my policies.

I was careful to explain the Long Term Economic plan that George and I had carefully discussed for ten minutes, five years ago. Many simply dreadful people have tried to claim that the plan doesn't even exist, which makes me jolly cross. Here it is.

Ah, sorry! I don't have a copy of it to hand, right now, but you know I am telling the truth, because I would never lie to you.

Toodle pip, more soon.