The Dear Leader's Diary - Port 10

Note to web team: get rid of that ham or be sacked.

Now, it's obviously going to take George a day or two to come up with an updated version of the plan he says we have got. I've never actually seen it myself, but I'm pretty good at choosing people to be in government with me, and I always stand by them until it becomes necessary to get rid of them.

In the meantime, we have come up with some sensible proposals for enforcing free speech. As part of our war on terror, we propose "a ban on broadcasting and a requirement to submit to the police in advance any proposed publication on the web and social media or in print."[1] Obviously, that will not apply to this diary, as I am in charge, and democratic by definition. All Tweets will have to be vetted by the police, as we all know too many of them can make a Twatter. This may cause some slight delays, but we must make certain that the youth are not corrupted. I'm considering what punishments we should have for unapproved Tweets, and think something like having to volunteer to drink hemlock would be proportionate.

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[1] The Guardian. http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/may/13/counter-terrorism-bill-extremism-disruption-orders-david-cameron 

The Dear Leader's Diary - Part 9

I have instructed my team of internet experts to remove the vandalism from this picture, and they will be dealing with it as soon as they cease their unaccountable laughter. They said they would also look into its background, which hardly seems necessary.

Today, I conducted our first Cabinet meeting without the token Liberal Democrats I used to have to include. Pretending to have the slightest concern about anything they thought or said was never easy, and some of them were, I'm sorry to say, simply not in the same class as myself.

There's a jolly nice video of the start of the meeting on Twatter, where I managed to pad out the usual stuff about the workers for well over a minute, without making any real commitments. My natural modesty prevents me from getting the web team to copy it into this page, and I'm sure you will have seen it anyway.

It has come to my attention that there are over four million people in the country who have never worked. We will soon put in place measures to give these dreadful people an incentive to get out and work.

I'm grateful to Iain Duncan Smith for this statistic. It's very unfair, the way people criticise him for marrying into money, instead of inheriting it the proper way. Here's a rather nice picture of him and Charlie Chaplin on holiday together. 

Anyway. Everyone in my Cabinet agreed with me about how we need to get out of the awful Human Rights nonsense that has been forced on us, and introduce our own Invoice Bill of Rights as soon as possible. Here's our draft, so far...

Article 1 – Right to Life

Everyone shall have the right to life, unless their death is deemed necessary in the interests of national security, or if they cannot afford the relevant insurance to pay for hospital bills.

Article 6 – Right to a Fair Trial

Everyone shall have the right to a fair trial unless they cannot afford it or the Home Secretary should decide that such a trial is not necessary in the interests of national security

Article 8 – Right to a Private Life

Everyone shall have the right to respect for their private and family life, except if any intrusion in that private or family life is performed by the police, the security services, Google, Facebook or any other commercial enterprise as agreed with the Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills.

Article 10 – Right to Freedom of Expression

Everyone shall have the right to freedom of expression. This right shall include freedom to hold opinions and to receive and impart information and ideas without interference by public authority and regardless of frontiers, except if such information is deemed unsuitable, extreme, or otherwise inappropriate by the Home Secretary, the Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, Paul Dacre or the Taxpayers Alliance

Article 11 – Freedom of assembly and association

Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and to freedom of association with others, excluding the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests, and excluding any form of assembly or association that the Home Secretary should deem disorderly, embarrassing, annoying or otherwise objectionable.

Scope of these rights

These rights shall be accorded to all British Citizens, except those who the Home Secretary determines are undeserving of rights, or decides to strip citizenship from, or are determined by the media to be scroungers, immigrants or children of immigrants, internet trolls or persons otherwise objectionable in what the Prime Minister deems to be a democratic society.

More soon.

The Dear Leader's Diary - Fart 8

I should take a moment to congratulate myself on the efficiency of my campaign to become the undisputed ruler of our nation. All I needed was for 25% of the voters to vote for me, and I won 51% of the seats in the House of Commons. This overwhelming support means I can now do exactly as I wish, and Rupert has already given me a list of helpful suggestions.

Make no mistake, I am here to finish a job, and my massive overall majority of four can not possibly be eroded by some of our MPs defecting to another party, due to some mistaken "conscience" about what we will do. Philip Green and Sebastian Fox have been left out of the Cabinet, this time, but I'm sure they can be trusted. They are businessmen, after all.

And none of them will be so careless as to die and force a bye election or two. I shall be giving strict orders on that.

No. We are fit to govern, and God has seen to it that our fine, Christian, party is now here for good.

I am so confident that I believe I will tell Sam to book us a couple of extra holidays, somewhere I can get to another wine tasting would be good, although Australia is a bit far. I should really have my own plane, like my good friend Barry Obama. Then the dear voters could reward me with another £13,000 wine tasting trip. They are so generous that they really do deserve me!

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 7

We apologise for the vandalism to our header picture, which appears to have been perpetrated by a Danish gentleman, who says the original picture is ugly.

Now we are pushing boldly forward with our plan to improve everything about this country! Little Mr Gove has announced his soon-to-be implemented measures will remove the right to life, the right to privacy, the right to a fair trial, the right to protest and the right to freedom from torture and discrimination. I do not wish to hear any tiresome namby-pamby objections. My government was fairly elected, apart from any as yet undetected cheating which we will deny, by an overwhelming landslide of 24% of the electorate. We can do anything we want to.

The Right to Life

Look, people die all the time, especially those we help with the benefits system, so it is obvious that there is no actual "right to life". To prove it, we will rapidly return the death penalty. Of course, we Conservative MPs are decent people who wouldn't hurt a fly, apart from about three hundred of us. The actual hangings, our preferred method, since we can't get away with using hounds, yet, will be carried out by a private firm. Probably Atos, or Group 4, or anyone who wants the job.

The Right to Privacy

Obviously, we need to know who you are, so we can round you up and hang you, so there will be no "right to privacy". GCHQ will be told by nice Mrs May to listen to all phone calls, apart from mine, of course. Your post will be slightly delayed while it is steamed open, and every room will have a security guard in it, recording everything that happens with a video camera.

No, you can not protest about this

The Right to a Fair Trial

Fair trials will continue to be available. The initial fee will be a million pounds, to prevent time wasting frivolous defences.

Now, be quiet

Or I will have you tortured. Don't think that I wouldn't. I'm still jolly cross about that ham vandalism of my nice picture.

The Dear Leader's Diary - 6

I am not wasting time, and have rolled up my sleeves. Everything is going very smoothly now that we are not carrying the Liberal Democrats, who were really rather hopeless. A little ruthlessness in government goes a long way, I find. Already we are seeing that the country has happily accepted our glorious victory, with hardly anyone saying we somehow fiddled the vote. 

All is calm in London, as you can see from this picture. The BBC news confirms that this isn't happening, and they had better continue to do so, if they don't want my friend George to take away all their funding. They deserve that, obviously, as they are totally controlled by the Labour Party, which cannot be allowed to continue.

George will, obviously, be continuing in his highly successful role of Chancellor of the Exchequer, to which he has brought his usual high standards of powerful thinking. I am looking forward to him continuing to pay down the National Debt, which has already been lowered from the record £800 billion the reckless Labour Party lumbered us with, to the much more sensible figure of £1.5 trillion. 

I know he's a bit common, but I am delighted to appoint Michael Gove as our Justice Secretary. He's jolly keen on the death penalty for all sorts of offences, and will be helping me to get Britain out of the terrible Human Rights nonsense they have inflicted on us. He was an absolutely terrific success as Education Minister, and his fine work resulted in many teachers moving to better jobs.

The nonsense of Human Rights will be replaced by our Bill of Rights, which everyone will have to pay, except those who keep their money in offshore banks, as any sensible person does.


A busy day, already, and I will deserve this evening's chillaxing. I believe I will have a gallon or two of real ale, and play my favourite record, Eton Rifles.