The Dear Leader's Diary - Epistle 18

I've had a simply super weekend, chillaxing with the right sort of people, the odd case of champagne, and I'm bloody pumped! All the things I am going to announce this week to my adoring citizens are lined up ready, and I will be able to make long, eloquent sound-bites about them. I really am made to rule this

country, apart from Scotland, where my little friend Nicola is happy to help. 

She wants another referendum and lots of extra powers, but basically, she melts when she sees me, and I can just walk all over her. All it takes is just the right pressure in a hand-shake, and I'm rather well known for that. I use the one that makes the Queen purr, and Nicola just smiles and issues another series of demands that she must surely realise I won't remember after I have had them removed from the internet. I'm surprised nobody has noticed that I can do that!

Politics is easy! I was made for it.

Later today, I will be speaking to some doctors in a place called the Wet Midlands, and tell them that I will let George give the NHS "at least £8 billion a

year by 2020". I'm still always amazed that something like that gets accepted without any argument. It doesn't mean they will get £8 billion in any of the years up to 2020, and after another five years everyone will have forgotten there was a National Health Service, anyway.

Well, there will be, but it will be safe in our hands long before then. As long as I keep assuring people it isn't being privatised, I can hand chunks of it over to my friends for much less than it is worth, plus the proper level of donations to the Conservative Party, and we can all make massive profits from it. People are not even going to notice that even if we do give it £8 billion, or any other even bigger amount, from the taxpayers, it will all just go straight to the shareholders. And that's how a health service should work!

I shall tell them that there is nothing that embodies the spirit of One Nation coming together - nothing that working people depend on more - than the NHS, and get the usual enthusiastic applause from the audience the local party branch has provided for me. A good day's work, and I shall be entitled to chillax with some more Bollinger. 

The Dear Leader's Diary - 17

It makes me bloody pumped up with pride, when I think how tremendously wonderful I am. All on my own, with no help from the media, I got everyone in the country to vote for me, apart from a tiny group of about 76% who were unable to understand how brilliant I am.

In completely unrelated 
news, apparently Rupert Murdoch, the very important media magnate that I am not influenced by in any way, says that my new cabinet appointments are "surprisingly good", in his completely independent opinion. He's quite right, of course. 

And here's a super example! Little Nicky Morgan has proved that she is a far better minister than that oik, Gove. Sacking failing head teachers, and at the same time cutting the budgets of council schools, can't fail to improve education for all the children of hard working families who can afford our excellent academies. Quite sensibly, she didn't waste time finding out what the actual statistics are, but immediately told Andrew Marr in no uncertain way, that what we have done to education is the only sensible way to procede. After all, any hard working family that wants the best for its children will send them to Eton.

Michael Gove has been working jolly hard, sleeves rolled up, and bloody pumped as well, which makes me like him even more, since he was made Justice Secretary and Lord Chancellor by me, last weekend.  Instead of saying something bad people would latch onto, like "scrapping the Human Rights Act", he very sensibly said, "We’ll be seeking to ensure that human rights are enhanced and preserved by modernising and reforming the framework of rights in this country". Gove and I both feel the Human Rights Act and the judgements of the Strasbourg Court on things like prisoner voting have actually been harmful to the cause of human rights in this country. And that's what matters! Getting people to think we are modernising and reforming, nice, positive words that the plebs will be convinced by. Fortunately, nobody has noticed they will have almost no rights left unless they can afford to go to court. 

The Dear Leader's Diary - 16

Much to my surprise, my iPad can do more than just play the amazing game, Fruit Ninja! I have worked out a way to make it display books as well. Who says I know nothing about computers? I have found a fascinating book, called "Whipping Up A Storm", full of fascinating anecdotes by an old friend of George's. And he's even managed to get a picture of himself on the cover. 

I'm not sure what that white powder is, or why it's on a book cover though. I'll have to ask one of the little people who assist me by remembering things for me. And who rolls their banknotes up like that? One can carry far more of them if they are kept flat. And the £50 notes burn much better in front of "homeless" people if you keep your bundle of them flat, as well.

I may need to give George some advice about choosing his friends more carefully. I'm sure he won't mind, as he has always taken my advice about things, like never being too obviously sloshed or stoned or whatever the current idiom is. It's well known that I can make friends at every level, even high up newspaper people.

And I stand by my friends, like Mr Coulson, right up until they get dragged off to jail. Then I get everything connecting to me edited off the internet, and all is well.

The Dear Leader's Diary- 15

I am getting rather annoyed at the way some people out there are using what they imagine to be humour to attempt to attack me. For instance, here is

something somebody has done, when they should have been working hard, which takes one of my jolly important speeches, and uses it in a sort of comic.

When I said that, I was clearly not wanting people to realise that it meant that we would be actively intolerant. Intolerant of crime, intolerant of the causes of crime, to quote my good friend Tory Blair. It's really unfair when the stuff my speech-writers invent is taken to be the policy of our totally united party, with its enormous majority of four.

We are going to make prudent cuts reforms to all sorts of wasteful spending like pensions and benefits, whether you obey the law or not,  and I will not tolerate these unpleasant attacks. Active intolerance is going to get you, if you dare criticise us!

The Dear Leader's Diary - Episode 14

I have visited Nicola Sturgeon in Scotland, as a reward for destroying the Labour vote there. I am showing my commitment to a UK that includes Scotland, by promising them many new powers that will let them feel as if they

have achieved something. I have already vowed to promise to make a pledge to put something or other in the Queen's Speech about this. I can promise my own people that I will have anything we don't like removed from the internet as soon as we feel like it. Playing people off against each other for my own benefit shows what a superior statesman I am, and why I continue to be trusted.

Meanwhile, I have found a book labelled "Bastards" in a cupboard in one of the many kitchens at my house in Downing Street. I shall write the name of Mr

David Davis in it, as it appears he thinks he has the right to attack my decision to abolish Human Rights. Worse still, he is hinting that taking away peoples' rights and replacing them with vaguely worded promises, vows, and pledges is likely to prove divisive. By that, he probably means that he should have been leader, instead of me, so that he could unite our party. Unless he can split away a huge number of my MPs, as many as three or four, he will not be able to prevent us ramming any change we like through.

My friend Mr Kim Jong Un has recently had his defence minister shot with an anti-aircraft gun. Members of my party who are not feeling at least 100% faithful would do well to remember Britain probably still has a gun, too.